Colon Hysteria

Is it possible to fake passing out !! Not when a seasoned street medics are around. Believe me, people try it all of the time with us , but we don't buy into the act. Case in point, we are on our way to a typical fainting call the other day, and I am looking on the computer update screen for information. I am reading all of it and I notice two things : the complaint and the history of the patient. The screen tells me that the patient has passed out and is now conscious, and the history tells me that she has colon problems. Not the typical kind of colon problems that you read about very often on medical websites or even see in a text book. This is the type of colon problem that only a person themselves can diagnose: a spastic colon. So I am already giggling on the way to the call because I have the sense that we are heading into the twilight zone on this one.
So we are rumbling down the road in our medic truck , blowing the air horn at cars , and fighting thru traffic to save a life, when we pull up on the house.
Note to self - there are police cars out in front already- very suspicious !!
I get out of the truck and then walk into hysteriville !!
Two adults, one man and one woman who are completely wasted drunk, are pacing around the front room of a small house. I notice an officer talking with them near the hallway , and then I notice a middle age woman on the floor in the main room just lying there motionless. The two adults , apparently the brother of the woman on the ground and his girlfriend, are very upset to see this lady laying there motionless. In their drunken stupor,they start yelling at us to help her , and at one point the drunk girl turns to me and says, "I love this woman."
Awkward , but no comment on my end . I think to myself, "I like you much better when you act like a statue."
So we walk over to the woman on the ground and try to talk with her.
No response. Hmmm... !!
I knew the this woman was faking because we had seen it way too many times before. Lots of drama between family members , and then one of them pretends to pass out to get attention. So there are a group of four of us around her and we begin to try to rouse her. Tap, tap, tap on the shoulder, "mam, can you talk to us."
Nothing ! She lay there motionless with eyes closed.
The one of the guys tries a sternal rub on the chest. Just a whince , but no verbal response.
"Here let me try," says someone else. A pinch of the trap muscle and a big whince this time.
At this point everyone is losing patience with this woman, and I am feeling like we are in a scene from Airplane the movie with people lined up to have their chance at trying to bring this woman back from the depths of her hysteria.
Wrong time to stop sniffing glue !!
So after a few more agonizingly long seconds and no further response I say to everyone, "Let's pick her up and move her to the couch."
So we move her over to the couch, and when we set her down she collapses into the cushions pretending that she has no control over herself. People from the crew continue trying to ask her questions, and then I start thinking we need to try a different approach. Obviously, the one we have been taking is not working and she is not budging from her hysterical act.
I am on the outside of the inner semi-circle around her at this point, and I then begin to make my way thru the crowd to get closer to her. I tip-toe between people so as not to disturb her fragile state with any extra noise, and then I lean down and over her to get really close.
Before I even realize it these sarcastic words role right out of my mouth, "Do......You......Have......A.......Spastic........Colon..........?"
Eyes open, a chuckle, and a big smile from her!!
We are staring right at each other now and she immediately says, " why, yes I do !!"
Demons be gone and return to the light Carolanne. You've been cleansed !! This house is now cleeeeeaaaaarrrr!!
I turn to the crew and then say, " My work is done here. I have expelled all the demons from this woman , and I must now go and save others who need me !!"
I turn and walk out the front door leaving the dark reaches of the twilight zone behind, only to wait until the next time its long arms grab us to pull us in. I then find myself thinking about what just went on and can only smile at the situation.
There is no better feeling as a medic than when you save someone from themselves.