Colon Hysteria

Is it possible to fake passing out !! Not when a seasoned street medics are around. Believe me, people try it all of the time with us , but we don't buy into the act. Case in point, we are on our way to a typical fainting call the other day, and I am looking on the computer update screen for information. I am reading all of it and I notice two things : the complaint and the history of the patient. The screen tells me that the patient has passed out and is now conscious, and the history tells me that she has colon problems. Not the typical kind of colon problems that you read about very often on medical websites or even see in a text book. This is the type of colon problem that only a person themselves can diagnose: a spastic colon. So I am already giggling on the way to the call because I have the sense that we are heading into the twilight zone on this one.
So we are rumbling down the road in our medic truck , blowing the air horn at cars , and fighting thru traffic to save a life, when we pull up on the house.
Note to self - there are police cars out in front already- very suspicious !!
I get out of the truck and then walk into hysteriville !!
Two adults, one man and one woman who are completely wasted drunk, are pacing around the front room of a small house. I notice an officer talking with them near the hallway , and then I notice a middle age woman on the floor in the main room just lying there motionless. The two adults , apparently the brother of the woman on the ground and his girlfriend, are very upset to see this lady laying there motionless. In their drunken stupor,they start yelling at us to help her , and at one point the drunk girl turns to me and says, "I love this woman."
Awkward , but no comment on my end . I think to myself, "I like you much better when you act like a statue."
So we walk over to the woman on the ground and try to talk with her.
No response. Hmmm... !!
I knew the this woman was faking because we had seen it way too many times before. Lots of drama between family members , and then one of them pretends to pass out to get attention. So there are a group of four of us around her and we begin to try to rouse her. Tap, tap, tap on the shoulder, "mam, can you talk to us."
Nothing ! She lay there motionless with eyes closed.
The one of the guys tries a sternal rub on the chest. Just a whince , but no verbal response.
"Here let me try," says someone else. A pinch of the trap muscle and a big whince this time.
At this point everyone is losing patience with this woman, and I am feeling like we are in a scene from Airplane the movie with people lined up to have their chance at trying to bring this woman back from the depths of her hysteria.
Wrong time to stop sniffing glue !!
So after a few more agonizingly long seconds and no further response I say to everyone, "Let's pick her up and move her to the couch."
So we move her over to the couch, and when we set her down she collapses into the cushions pretending that she has no control over herself. People from the crew continue trying to ask her questions, and then I start thinking we need to try a different approach. Obviously, the one we have been taking is not working and she is not budging from her hysterical act.
I am on the outside of the inner semi-circle around her at this point, and I then begin to make my way thru the crowd to get closer to her. I tip-toe between people so as not to disturb her fragile state with any extra noise, and then I lean down and over her to get really close.
Before I even realize it these sarcastic words role right out of my mouth, "Do......You......Have......A.......Spastic........Colon..........?"
Eyes open, a chuckle, and a big smile from her!!
We are staring right at each other now and she immediately says, " why, yes I do !!"
Demons be gone and return to the light Carolanne. You've been cleansed !! This house is now cleeeeeaaaaarrrr!!
I turn to the crew and then say, " My work is done here. I have expelled all the demons from this woman , and I must now go and save others who need me !!"
I turn and walk out the front door leaving the dark reaches of the twilight zone behind, only to wait until the next time its long arms grab us to pull us in. I then find myself thinking about what just went on and can only smile at the situation.
There is no better feeling as a medic than when you save someone from themselves.

George Washington

I volunteer as a coach for an under 10 boys soccer travel team called The Fury. I know, I know it sounds like a rock band to some degree, but these boys really do rock. I applied for the position after the regular season had ended and was chosen for the spot. We have 10 kids on our team that range from 8-10 years old, and all of them are full of life !! I mean practice is more like herding cattle most of the time in the sense that I am constantly trying to keep them all moving in one direction together without losing a stray one. I love the energy that the kids bring to the field when they are with me at practice, but I do sometimes wonder if what I am saying makes a difference to them. For instance, I try to start off practice with a quick quote to get them to think about something, but most of the time I just get blank stares back from them. If it's not blank stares then it is usually group punching, prodding, and tackling as I am speaking to them. What are you going to do though, because they are only 8 and 9 , and they are boys. I just roll with it and move on during the practices, but it does leave me wondering if what I am doing sometimes gets through to them.
Well, this past week one of the boys had a birthday on one of our practice days so I decided to give him a soccer ball that I had bought at the end of practice. I presented it to him in front of the whole team and had everyone sing happy birthday to him. I didn't think much of it the entire week until I was browsing through our mail one night only to find a card addressed to 'coach'. I opened it up and it went a little something like this:
'Pride fills my heart when I walk on the field to play soccer for you. I love the way you encourage us and you give us pins. When I look at you I feel confident like George Washington's men felt when they looked at him. I've made many friends on the team. The soccer ball is awesome. Thank you. '
That card meant more to me than anything I had received in all of my years of coaching. If nothing else, I had made one young man believe that whatever he set out to do on the soccer field he could accomplish. You don't get those type of letters or cards very often, but God sure does work in mysterious ways sometimes. I had spent quite a bit of time lately wondering how good a job I was doing with those boys, and here He comes right along as if to say , "You are agreat coach just the way you are !"
It doesn't matter how old you are, you never get tired hearing words of encouragement. My hope is that I can somehow make a difference everyday in their lives, and really help them all to realize that all things are possible if only you believe.

"I'll throw myself on the floor...."

There is nothing more frustrating to me than running into someone who is able to do for themselves yet tries to leech off of all those around them. So we are on a paramedic call the other day and this woman (late 60's) says that she can't take care of herself anymore because she was too weak to do anything for herself. So we began to assess her, asking her this and that to find out what was going on to know best how to handle the situation. She is talking just fine with us, has perfect vitals , and at one point gets up and walks back to her apartment for a moment before returning. You see, she was at a neighbor's apartment during all of this because she had made her way over there somehow to ask for help. The neighbor had become concerned because of what the patient had been telling her so she called 911. So we have yet to find a single thing wrong with this woman, but she tells us that she can no longer buy any food for herself nor can she even dial her phone because of her overwhelming weakness.

At this point I suddenly flashed back to a couple of weeks ago when she called 911 because she could not find her anxiety pills during one of her anxiety attacks. We showed up at her apartment only to find her in a tizzy because she can't figure out where she last put the pills. So six of us searched around her apartment until we found them for her and then were on our way.

Now, sitting with her again in her neighbor's apartment for the second time I am feeling a little less compassion for her. So I ask her why she can't get food anymore, and she tells me that she is unable to walk to get food. Her nice neighbor has offered her a sandwich which she has prepared, and our patient is being cared for at the moment. I then ask her why she can't get to food since the dining hall at her complex is only 100 yards away and they offer delivery service for residents.
"I know they offer service, and I've used it before'" she tells me.

So I am thinking to myself why is this woman now at her neighbors house asking for a sandwich if food can be delivered to her.

"I've used the service before and it costs $3 for delivery," she adds.

"Could you maybe walk down the hall to eat at the dining hall then," I add?

"I am too weak to even walk anymore," she chimes back.

"You seem to be walking okay to me because you just walked down the hall to your apartment and back," I say.

"No, that's not possible."

Ohhh.. so it is totally clear to me now what is going on. "Could you run down to the dining hall and pick me up a meal," she then asks her neighbor?

WHAT THE FRICK !!!

She also looks over at us and tells us that her phone service is shut off as of today because she is too weak to dial up the company to pay her bill. So I am really starting to put it all together now on my end because I am special like that!! She informs us that she wants us to call her cell phone company for her to pay her bill so her phone service will get turned back on. With sandwich in hand she thrusts the phone at my partner, and he then begins to look up the number to call for her.

Stop the music !! The fun times are no more on my end !! Time to reel this wild pony in !!

"Mam, you need to be doing these things for yourself," I said.

She replies back as she leans forward in her chair face in hands, "I am putting on a good show for you right now because I am really sick. I am just trying to act normal for you right now because I don't want the attention."

Yea right..and don't have gas 99% of the day !!

Then I said, " you are perfectly fine, and I don't want you to ask you neighbor to do this for you again. We are not going to call the cell company for you because I know you can do it on your own. We wrote down the number for you and all you have to do is call them and give them your card to pay for your bill."

She then pulls out the ace in the hole and says, " I am about to throw myself on the floor right now and have a seizure !!"

Note to self !! Don't laugh at this point.

So I refrain as best as I can and say in as non-sarcastic a voice that I can muster, " well, that wouldn't be good for you. "

Big smile !!

Instead of getting mad I thought that I should inject a little humor...okay, maybe sarcasm into the mix.

Nothing but stares on her end. Not a word, not even a grunt!! Just a long , deep stare from her end. The kind of stare in the animal kingdom that separates the alpha female's from all of the rest. So I tilt my head slightly to the side , like a dog as he is first trying to figure out an unusual noise, and just stare back.

This is a stand off in Tombstone and I'm not backing down !! In my head, I hear a faint whistle off in the distance to the soundtrack of The good, the bad, and the ugly !! I've brought the guns today , and I'm ready for a showdown with the Ice Princess.

We are at an impasse and neither one of us is going to budge. She ,determined to stay in her suck the life out of all those around her mode, and I, in my gunslinger pose.

So I pick up the equipment that we had with us, and I then ask her, "Is there anything else that we can do for for you mam?"

She then quips, " I guess we are done here !!"

Yes.....we....are !!!

Don't ever have those around you do what you can do for yourself !! The people around you may put up with it for a while, but at some point in time you will run into your own Doc Holiday !! He'll look you right in the eyes and tell you, "I'll be ya' Huckleberry !!"

Family First !!

I work as an RN at an agency in my hometown that sends me to different facilities around the county. I recently got to work at a facility in which people come to get help with their addictions of all types. I had been to this facility once before and found myself intrigued by the stories behind the names. All too often I am finding that we are so inundated with work that we can't and aren't allowed to take the time to sit and talk with the patients. To me, one of the biggest components of the healing process is when the patient is able to open up about what they are going through. So when I have a moment I try to say hello to all of the patients as they are walking in and out of the building. I even try to break away from behind the iron curtain (nurse's station) to try and talk with them.
So I got the chance to strike up a conversation with one man the other day that led him to open up about his situation. He was the father of several children, and he had been dealing with some addiction for a long time. He chose to come to the facility because he had been forced to do so by his wife. Well, I guess you can't say that he was forced to do so, but he was called out so to speak. He had chosen to come voluntarily on his own because he was going to lose his whole family if he didn't. Now, if you or I had been walking down the street and seen this man you would have never guessed that he had a care in the world by the way he presented himself. He was very outgoing and jovial, and he was a well kept, clean cut business man who was very successful.
So we got to talking when I had a free moment, and he told me that he had learned a tremendous amount from his experience. The big thing with him was that he admitted to himself at some point along the way that he had a problem that he alone could not solve. He wasn't delusional about his situation at all because he told me that he didn't know if all would be well when he got home. He may have lost his marriage already , but he was trying to rectify a bad situation by taking matters into his own hands. He also told me about how much he loved his kids, and they were a huge part of why he was trying to get better.
As much as he hated being away from his children for the moment he was determined to be there for them in the long run. He knew that those kids needed a father in their lives that is available to them, and as much as people want to downplay the uniqueness of the parenting roles of each gender these days he saw the importance of what a father provides for a family. He told me that he may have already lost his marriage, but he would not lose his children as well. He knew what it meant to them to have him around because of the love and support that he gave all of them. I totally believed him as I sat there listening to his story because you could see the honesty in his face. I could also relate to him on a lot of levels because I too have a few children of my own, and they mean the world to me. He was motivated and willing to work extremely hard to get better so he could return to all of them again.
There was one thing that he told me that left a lasting impression on me. We talked a bit about the life that he provided his family and the fact that it was a very good one at that. As I listened though, I couldn't help but think to myself that it doesn't matter how well off you are in this world, sin and addiction strike at all levels. It reinforced to me how much I needed to keep my priorities straight for the sake of my wife and kids so they to could have their dad around.
You know, talking with him made me also realize that none of us are above reproach when it comes to falling short or dealing with temptations and sin. What is one man's downfall may not be mine , but we all have shadows in our lives that are always with us. All we can do is admit that we have weaknesses and ask for God's love and grace to be upon us when we do fall. My other point in all of this is that we always need to be living for something other than ourselves. When we do, we are able to step outside our own box and see more clearly all that is around us. We, as father's, owe it to our wives and our children who need a servant leader to be there for them.