"I'll throw myself on the floor...."

There is nothing more frustrating to me than running into someone who is able to do for themselves yet tries to leech off of all those around them. So we are on a paramedic call the other day and this woman (late 60's) says that she can't take care of herself anymore because she was too weak to do anything for herself. So we began to assess her, asking her this and that to find out what was going on to know best how to handle the situation. She is talking just fine with us, has perfect vitals , and at one point gets up and walks back to her apartment for a moment before returning. You see, she was at a neighbor's apartment during all of this because she had made her way over there somehow to ask for help. The neighbor had become concerned because of what the patient had been telling her so she called 911. So we have yet to find a single thing wrong with this woman, but she tells us that she can no longer buy any food for herself nor can she even dial her phone because of her overwhelming weakness.

At this point I suddenly flashed back to a couple of weeks ago when she called 911 because she could not find her anxiety pills during one of her anxiety attacks. We showed up at her apartment only to find her in a tizzy because she can't figure out where she last put the pills. So six of us searched around her apartment until we found them for her and then were on our way.

Now, sitting with her again in her neighbor's apartment for the second time I am feeling a little less compassion for her. So I ask her why she can't get food anymore, and she tells me that she is unable to walk to get food. Her nice neighbor has offered her a sandwich which she has prepared, and our patient is being cared for at the moment. I then ask her why she can't get to food since the dining hall at her complex is only 100 yards away and they offer delivery service for residents.
"I know they offer service, and I've used it before'" she tells me.

So I am thinking to myself why is this woman now at her neighbors house asking for a sandwich if food can be delivered to her.

"I've used the service before and it costs $3 for delivery," she adds.

"Could you maybe walk down the hall to eat at the dining hall then," I add?

"I am too weak to even walk anymore," she chimes back.

"You seem to be walking okay to me because you just walked down the hall to your apartment and back," I say.

"No, that's not possible."

Ohhh.. so it is totally clear to me now what is going on. "Could you run down to the dining hall and pick me up a meal," she then asks her neighbor?

WHAT THE FRICK !!!

She also looks over at us and tells us that her phone service is shut off as of today because she is too weak to dial up the company to pay her bill. So I am really starting to put it all together now on my end because I am special like that!! She informs us that she wants us to call her cell phone company for her to pay her bill so her phone service will get turned back on. With sandwich in hand she thrusts the phone at my partner, and he then begins to look up the number to call for her.

Stop the music !! The fun times are no more on my end !! Time to reel this wild pony in !!

"Mam, you need to be doing these things for yourself," I said.

She replies back as she leans forward in her chair face in hands, "I am putting on a good show for you right now because I am really sick. I am just trying to act normal for you right now because I don't want the attention."

Yea right..and don't have gas 99% of the day !!

Then I said, " you are perfectly fine, and I don't want you to ask you neighbor to do this for you again. We are not going to call the cell company for you because I know you can do it on your own. We wrote down the number for you and all you have to do is call them and give them your card to pay for your bill."

She then pulls out the ace in the hole and says, " I am about to throw myself on the floor right now and have a seizure !!"

Note to self !! Don't laugh at this point.

So I refrain as best as I can and say in as non-sarcastic a voice that I can muster, " well, that wouldn't be good for you. "

Big smile !!

Instead of getting mad I thought that I should inject a little humor...okay, maybe sarcasm into the mix.

Nothing but stares on her end. Not a word, not even a grunt!! Just a long , deep stare from her end. The kind of stare in the animal kingdom that separates the alpha female's from all of the rest. So I tilt my head slightly to the side , like a dog as he is first trying to figure out an unusual noise, and just stare back.

This is a stand off in Tombstone and I'm not backing down !! In my head, I hear a faint whistle off in the distance to the soundtrack of The good, the bad, and the ugly !! I've brought the guns today , and I'm ready for a showdown with the Ice Princess.

We are at an impasse and neither one of us is going to budge. She ,determined to stay in her suck the life out of all those around her mode, and I, in my gunslinger pose.

So I pick up the equipment that we had with us, and I then ask her, "Is there anything else that we can do for for you mam?"

She then quips, " I guess we are done here !!"

Yes.....we....are !!!

Don't ever have those around you do what you can do for yourself !! The people around you may put up with it for a while, but at some point in time you will run into your own Doc Holiday !! He'll look you right in the eyes and tell you, "I'll be ya' Huckleberry !!"