Lactose intolerant

So we are on a call today with an elderly female who called us for complaint of shortness of breath. When we pulled up on scene she was waiting for us in her driveway with purse in hand hollering at us to hurry up.
"Mam, are we here for you," I asked?
"Yes you are," she responded.
"Well, why don't we go inside and take a seat so we can assess you," I add
So we go inside, and she sits down and immediately starts to calm down as we are talking with her.
As is the case with so many of our calls after we get there. Most people are alone and scared, and once we get there they soon begin to calm their nerves.
This is very common for us to run into on the streets because so many people have a lack of medical sense, or have just enough from internet sources, that they get worried when alone.
So we run through the normal assessment routine and everything is perfectly fine with her, but my partner asks me to perform a 12 lead EKG to get a betttr look at her heart.
If you are not familiar with 12 lead EKG's they are a tool you use to see if anything abnormal is happening with the heart electrically. It requires you to lift the persons shirt and place several sticky leads around their left chest area. In women, at times depending on how large their breasts are, it is difficult to maneuver the breast tissue out of the way to place the leads.
This elderly female had no lack of tissue so I was trying to be discreet.
"Mam, I am going to have to lift your shirt to put some sticky things on your chest."
I lift the shirt and realize that she doesn't have a bra on.
So she states the obvious, "I don't have a bra on."
"That's okay, I'll try to cover your breasts when I'm doing this," I tell her.
Then she smiles and says something to me that I never in a million years would have guessed her to say.
"That's alright , I don't have any milk for you anyway." And a big smile from her !!
Blush !! ...........Blush some more.........Bright red !!! I am at a loss for words, and that doesn't happen much with me.
I just have to laugh at her comment, but then I come back with, "That was very awkward."
"Well, I thought I could just be straight forward with you boys," she adds and then smiles real big.
Every time that I think I have seen everything on this job it seems that I get surprised by someone or something new.
It is like the twilight zone at times- you enter into it and until you leave you never know what's gonna happen.

"I'll throw myself on the floor...."

There is nothing more frustrating to me than running into someone who is able to do for themselves yet tries to leech off of all those around them. So we are on a paramedic call the other day and this woman (late 60's) says that she can't take care of herself anymore because she was too weak to do anything for herself. So we began to assess her, asking her this and that to find out what was going on to know best how to handle the situation. She is talking just fine with us, has perfect vitals , and at one point gets up and walks back to her apartment for a moment before returning. You see, she was at a neighbor's apartment during all of this because she had made her way over there somehow to ask for help. The neighbor had become concerned because of what the patient had been telling her so she called 911. So we have yet to find a single thing wrong with this woman, but she tells us that she can no longer buy any food for herself nor can she even dial her phone because of her overwhelming weakness.

At this point I suddenly flashed back to a couple of weeks ago when she called 911 because she could not find her anxiety pills during one of her anxiety attacks. We showed up at her apartment only to find her in a tizzy because she can't figure out where she last put the pills. So six of us searched around her apartment until we found them for her and then were on our way.

Now, sitting with her again in her neighbor's apartment for the second time I am feeling a little less compassion for her. So I ask her why she can't get food anymore, and she tells me that she is unable to walk to get food. Her nice neighbor has offered her a sandwich which she has prepared, and our patient is being cared for at the moment. I then ask her why she can't get to food since the dining hall at her complex is only 100 yards away and they offer delivery service for residents.
"I know they offer service, and I've used it before'" she tells me.

So I am thinking to myself why is this woman now at her neighbors house asking for a sandwich if food can be delivered to her.

"I've used the service before and it costs $3 for delivery," she adds.

"Could you maybe walk down the hall to eat at the dining hall then," I add?

"I am too weak to even walk anymore," she chimes back.

"You seem to be walking okay to me because you just walked down the hall to your apartment and back," I say.

"No, that's not possible."

Ohhh.. so it is totally clear to me now what is going on. "Could you run down to the dining hall and pick me up a meal," she then asks her neighbor?

WHAT THE FRICK !!!

She also looks over at us and tells us that her phone service is shut off as of today because she is too weak to dial up the company to pay her bill. So I am really starting to put it all together now on my end because I am special like that!! She informs us that she wants us to call her cell phone company for her to pay her bill so her phone service will get turned back on. With sandwich in hand she thrusts the phone at my partner, and he then begins to look up the number to call for her.

Stop the music !! The fun times are no more on my end !! Time to reel this wild pony in !!

"Mam, you need to be doing these things for yourself," I said.

She replies back as she leans forward in her chair face in hands, "I am putting on a good show for you right now because I am really sick. I am just trying to act normal for you right now because I don't want the attention."

Yea right..and don't have gas 99% of the day !!

Then I said, " you are perfectly fine, and I don't want you to ask you neighbor to do this for you again. We are not going to call the cell company for you because I know you can do it on your own. We wrote down the number for you and all you have to do is call them and give them your card to pay for your bill."

She then pulls out the ace in the hole and says, " I am about to throw myself on the floor right now and have a seizure !!"

Note to self !! Don't laugh at this point.

So I refrain as best as I can and say in as non-sarcastic a voice that I can muster, " well, that wouldn't be good for you. "

Big smile !!

Instead of getting mad I thought that I should inject a little humor...okay, maybe sarcasm into the mix.

Nothing but stares on her end. Not a word, not even a grunt!! Just a long , deep stare from her end. The kind of stare in the animal kingdom that separates the alpha female's from all of the rest. So I tilt my head slightly to the side , like a dog as he is first trying to figure out an unusual noise, and just stare back.

This is a stand off in Tombstone and I'm not backing down !! In my head, I hear a faint whistle off in the distance to the soundtrack of The good, the bad, and the ugly !! I've brought the guns today , and I'm ready for a showdown with the Ice Princess.

We are at an impasse and neither one of us is going to budge. She ,determined to stay in her suck the life out of all those around her mode, and I, in my gunslinger pose.

So I pick up the equipment that we had with us, and I then ask her, "Is there anything else that we can do for for you mam?"

She then quips, " I guess we are done here !!"

Yes.....we....are !!!

Don't ever have those around you do what you can do for yourself !! The people around you may put up with it for a while, but at some point in time you will run into your own Doc Holiday !! He'll look you right in the eyes and tell you, "I'll be ya' Huckleberry !!"